Birthday.

Where is the justice, karmatic or not, in only having good vision when looking where you have already been? The theory that says that if we were right where we need to be, happy, and truly enjoying our lives that really we’d be unhappy. This theory always existed. You only know it now probably because you liked the Matrix movies. Who knows, I could be wrong, maybe your well read. Regardless, it’s bullshit I think. I know we define the good by the bad, but it’s like any recipe, you find the perfect mix of ingredients that makes the cake taste and texture above all others. In life you would have to find that mix of happiness and unhappiness, good and bad, that your forever in that state where your simply content. I think it’s possible, maybe not in this current world, with it’s rules and policies, it’s society. Sure relativity tells us that a small bad is the worse for any man. I mean if all you knew of the worst thing ever is jail, then being raped is something you could say was bad but you don’t know and it’s not your hell, your hell is jail, it’s relative. So you supplant the memories of crises and tragedy, and they have the frame of reference but none of the actual “issues”. I believe in it, but then maybe I must.

Passed that first interview for the Linux job. They use CentOS, so that’s good. But it’s not coming fast enough. I’m in real despair over this Wal-Mart job. If one more motherfucker out there at that warehouse tells me how getting a job at Wal-Mart changed his life I might just actually die from it. I’ve had a great many jobs, some were terrible, some great. This is neither of those, it’s okay at best. Wal-Mart loves to blow it’s own trumpet though, maybe it likes the taste, who knows.

Why is that all the best songs have been around two years? Why do I refuse to like popular things until they aren’t popular and then love them? This song’s been out since 06 and only now did I hear it and realize it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Aren’t those the best? Like anything good they never seem to come often enough. Boy, if that isn’t a theme for me lately. Maybe all this leads to something and maybe it doesn’t, but getting there, at least at times is worth every moment.

Moments. That’s all were made of. Suspended reality in time. Smells, a song, her smile, his goodbye, their last words. Anyone who denies themselves these feelings, probably men far more than women, I really feel for them. Magnolia comes to my mind. I meet people all the time to but only some do I ever connect with. I don’t mean those casual friends, or friends of convenience. I mean the real ones, people you can say embarrassing things to and not be embarrassed, even if they do give you a hard time. They simply know you and accept. Those people. Seems there are far fewer of them these days. What is the end result of all of this? Would I want to see it if I could.

At any rate, whatever it is is coming and it’s not taking any roadside cafe stop and rests. I say despite the not knowing, the indecision, the fear… despite all that I say let it come. It’s all been just leading to it anyway, our moments to have fame, to fear, to lay down, to die, to be something…